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Christopher Titus Net Worth

Christopher Titus Net Worth is
$300 Thousand

Christopher Titus Biography

Christopher Titus was created on 1st October in 1964. He’s an American actor and comedian. His birth place was Castro Valley, California, U.S. Personal Lifestyle: Titus wedded his first wife Erin Carden on April 17, 1991. Down the road 2006, they filed divorce. He became well-known and pleased audiences. He’s a good operate comedian. His next humor performance action came as ‘Love is certainly Evol’. People prefer to enjoy his humor because of his unique design. Personal lifestyle Christopher Titus made a decision to get wedded to Erin Carden in 1991. He divorced her in 2006. He previously a boy who was simply born in 2008 and his name is certainly Jett Evan Titus. Afterwards Titus wedded his girlfriend Rachel Bradley in 2013. He provides founded an organization known as “The Insight Youth Task” that supports kids who are from abusive households. Humor Christopher Titus produced jokes about family members suicides, custody battles, center attacks, mental disease, domestic misuse and many more. He produced many comedies. They are Norman Rockwell is certainly Bleeding, Like is Evol, The 5th Annual End of the Globe Tour, The Tone of voice in my own Head, Angry Quest for Pleasure, Neverlution and “Born with a Defect”. · Norman Rockwell is Bleeding: That is his one-man present that was debuted by him at the Hudson Theatre. This present was provided in Los Angles in 2004. People received this show significantly and in this present, he presented his kid lifestyle, his parents and about his romantic relationship. Remarkable television character of entertainment sector, Christopher Todd Titus merely referred to as “Christopher Titus” is certainly a famous American actor and comedian. · Like is Evol: This tale is dealt with the problem of his divorce and, he showed at length about his romantic relationship with Eric, his divorce and in addition about his girlfriend. $2 Million: Christopher Todd Titus (born October 1, 1964) can be an American comedian and actor. The Fifth Annual End of the Globe Tour: This display was premiered in 2007 and he talked right here about his sense of parenting and his father’s loss of life. Down the road August 11, 2013, Titus wedded his longtime girlfriend, Rachel Bradley. The Tone of voice in my own Head: It actually handles the various phases of his lifestyle. Interesting Specifics: Christopher Titus can be an American actor and comedian who includes a net worthy of of $2 million dollars. · Angry Quest for Happiness: This tale was filmed in 2014. He offers an appealing physique and provides been strongly built, along with his regular fitness regimen at the fitness center. He’s also credited as “TV’s most first comic tone of voice since Seinfeld” by Newsday and offers subsequently a great deal of enthusiast following; He debuted this year 2010 at Montreal Humor event. In 2011, he attracted controversy for his disparaging responses against Sarah Palin. After nothing at all considerable in his lifestyle, he’s currently having affairs along with his girlfriend Rachel Bradley. Awards Christopher Titus got the nomination of writer’s guild for his Titus. Significance to his personal lifestyle, the famous actor and comedian Christopher Titus wedded twice in his lifestyle. His net worthy of is certainly $2 million dollars. Television shows Christopher Titus acquired a television show known as Titus that aired on Fox Network. This present was in fact an adaption of the tales from Norman Rockwell is certainly Bleeding. It was an excellent display that attracted people quite definitely. This show, unfortunately, finished up in 2002. They finished their relation with divorce on 6th June, 2006. Pretty tough for somebody of his previous to turn himself right into a comedian. American Emmy Award nominated comedian and actor,Christopher Todd Titus comes with an estimated net worthy of of $2 million. Who’s Christopher Titus: Christopher Todd Titus can be an American actor and comedian. A seemingly overnight achievement with his own Television series, “Titus” provides him national attention. Early Lifestyle (Childhood): Christopher Titus born on October 1, 1964 in Castro Valley, California, USA. He’s also a stand-up comedian whose action revolves around his dysfunctional family members and shocking life encounters. In 2007, he released next CD predicated on his special humor act on ‘The 5th Annual End of the Globe Tour’ which got released as 2 Disk CD by ‘Comedy Central Information’. They got divorce when he was a kid. It had been also filmed at Fresno Tower Theatre in 2013. Christopher Titus Net Value: Christopher Titus can be an American actor and comedian who includes a net worthy of of $300 thousand. He was raised instead of Newark. they possess two kids. His comedy present made him a superstar. · Accomplishment: Christopher Titus received a Writer’s Guild nomination for his focus on Titus. In every his comedies he demonstrated his skill and quality to impress his supporters quite definitely.He was nominated for an Emmy for his focus on the series he wrote and starred in called, “Titus”, and has toured with multiple award-winning one-man shows. 3 years afterwards, Titus recorded a Humor Central special: “The 5th Annual End of the Globe Tour” and implemented it up with a 2009 act, “Like is Evol,” which targets his divorce.Christopher Titus was created on October 1, 1964 in Castro Valley, California, USA. Audience liked this present quite definitely. Christopher Titus is more popular for his appearance in the favorite Fox present ‘Titus’. Christopher Titus Specifics Name: Christopher Titus Birthday: 1st October, 1964 Address: Castro Valley, California, United states Nationality: American Job: Actor and Comedian Elevation: 6 feet 1 in . Kids: 2 (Kennie Marie Titus and Jett Evan Titus) Wife: Rachel ‘Bombshell Rae’ Bradley University/University: N/A Net worthy of: $2 million dollars Christopher Titus family members and personal lifestyle This extremely skilled actor and comedian, Christopher Titus places his first step nowadays on 1st October, 1964 in Castro Valley, California, United states. He retains an American nationality as he was created to American parents, Juanita C. and Ken Titus. His parents got separated with divorce when he was youngster. His supporters can follow him on his twitter accounts @TitusNation. Christopher hasn’t shared detail information regarding his childhood and education lifestyle. “Norman Rockwell is certainly Bleeding” in 2004 became his premier on Showtime. Initially, he got wedded to the beautiful woman, Erin Carden on 17th April, 1991. From engaged and getting married to wife Erin, he provides two kids called Kennie Marie Titus and Jett Evan Titus. Instead of have got him arrested, the lawyer gave him legal methods he might use to obtain his boy back which he utilized and finally regained custody of Christopher. Christopher Titus ‘s tv shows include Humor Central’s Premium Mix and The Tonight Present with Jay Leno. After living seven years one lifestyle, he got wedded to his longtime girlfriend called Rachel ‘Bombshell Rae’ Bradley on 11th August, 2013. Till time there is no information published about the few going right through divorce. Christopher is certainly spending blissful minute with wife Rachel currently moment living in LA, California. This 51 years age outstanding actor, Christopher Titus is an excellent looking and dashing guy. He looks really appealing with his blue shaded eye and blonde locks. Chris is a good and handsome man, along with his boyish attraction and a decent character. The handsome actor, Christopher Titus stands with the high height of 6 foot 1 in .. Christopher Titus Career Development Christopher Titus began his profession informing jokes about the darkly comedic oddities in the topics like ‘custody battles’, ‘family members suicides’, ‘heart episodes’ and ‘domestic misuse’. While performing comic action, he implemented edgy confrontational structure. Christopher initially attempted his dark and personal tale in his comedy overall performance. Titus produced his 1st tv appearance in the display called ‘Norman Rockwell is usually Bleeding’. His ideal comic timing and hilarious jokes in the display was broadly appreciated by all of the audiences. His 1st CD titled ‘Norman Rockwell Is usually Bleeding’ premiered on 22nd July, 2008. Titus. His popular comedies were generally predicated on his personal and bitter encounter. It had been aired on 14th February, 2009 for the very first time by Humor Central. Christopher’s standup take action arrived as ‘Neverlution’ which produced its debut at ‘Montreal Comedy Event’ in the entire year 2010. Christopher, later on received more recognition and fame when he released his additional standup acts ‘The Tone of voice in my own Head’, ‘Angry Quest for Joy’ and ‘Born with a Defect’. In 2000, Christopher became a renowned encounter of television globe when he started carrying out humor on his own tv program known as ‘Titus’. Besides this, he in addition has shown his outstanding humor act in other display ‘The Tonight Display with Jay Leno’ Christopher Titus Net Worth In the beginning of 2016, the skilled actor and comedian Christopher Titus offers earned around net worth quantity of $2 million dollars. Christopher Titus Accomplishment and Contributions Christopher Titus offers been impressive along with his brilliant are comedian and actor. In the entire year 2004, he gained a nomination at ‘Emmy Award’ for his outstanding focus on the display ‘Titus’. He offers garnered large numbers of lover following. His star indication is usually Libra and belongs to white ethnical history. · He was raised in Newark, California. Titus found national interest with the eponymous FOX display Titus, which he was the celebrity, executive maker and co-creator. Period called the display ‘brutal, hilarious and audacious’, while Newsday known as him ‘TV’s most initial comic tone of voice since Seinfeld’. He’s the child of Ken Titus and Juanita C. Titus was created in Castro Valley, California, to Ken and Juanita C. (née Holmes) Titus. His parents divorced when he was a kid, and he grew up largely by his dad, Ken, who had many associations during his upbringing offering comedic materials for his routines. His mom suffered from manic-depressive disorder, schizophrenia and also alcoholism and can be source materials for his dialogues. She spent amount of time in and out of mental hospitals. At age four, he was recinded from his dad and directed at his grandparents on his mother’s side. His dad prepared to kidnap him back again and inadvertently informed a guy about his programs who ended up being an area district attorney. The few spent fifteen years very long time collectively. When Christopher was 12, he ran from his dad to live along with his mother, where he resided in her garage area, but he shortly relocated back with his dad. His Television series Titus (2000) was loosely based on his own true to life. His early existence has turned into a common subject matter of his humor routines. His childhood was hard, developing up with an alcoholic dad and a schizophrenic mom who was later on acquitted in the murder of her second spouse and finally committed suicide. The few were married in 1991 and lived collectively for 15 years prior to the law of character divorced them. Christopher Titus was created in Castro Valley, California, in 1964. His one-man display, “Norman Rockwell is usually Bleeding”, debuted in LA in 2004 and later on became a Disc. His most recent display, “Neverlution”, premiered in past due 2010 and you will be broadcast in 2011. His latest stand-up act, the 6th of his profession, is called “Angry Quest for Joy”. In 2000, he landed his personal sitcom, the Emmy-nominated “Titus”, on Fox, though it had been canceled when execs demanded he split up with his real-life like, Erin Carden. Along with his short blonde locks, blue eye and a solid jaw, he appears to be severe but is truly a fun person who loves to crack jokes and make people laugh. He offers made an appearance on “The Tonight Display with Jay Leno”, “High quality Blend”, “Twilight Zone”, “21 Jump Road”, “Yes, Dear”, “Jenny” and “Killer Klowns from SPACE”. · Maybe it had been this quality in him, which helps him socialize and admirers quickly. He actively works together with his nonprofit, The Insight Youth Task, to help kids in abusive homes. His mom developed mental illness as well, and was usually admitted or discharged from many hospitals. He’s the core of the display Titus on FOX network, which according to Period magazine is usually a “brutal, hilarious and audacious” display. Neverlution: In this humor he discussed about getting back the united states to its previous glory and politics. specifically on his Instagram and Twitter accounts. After taking pleasure in huge success with Television shows like Norman Rockwell is usually Bleeding, Love is usually Evol, The Fifth Annual End of the Globe Tour, The Tone of voice in my own Head Angry Quest for Joy and Neverlution, he arranged his foot on films and has been around several of them. Consequently, he has been around a couple of associations although his dating list isn’t very long. Along with his last documented net well worth worth of $2 million dollars, he’s well known generally in most of the countries in the globe. Born on the October of 1964, he grew up by his category of dad Ken and mom Juanita C. Titus at their house in Castro Valley, California. He was designed to live along with his mentally disturbed, alcoholic dad who received over his mom after their divorce. Christopher Todd Titus can be an American actor and a operate comedian, who’s currently 51 years. This made his potential involved, and so was delivered to live along with his grandparents but ran aside to live along with his dad when he was just 12. He noticed that his mother experienced killed her second spouse, who was fairly a whole lot for him to digest, and 8 years from then on, she killed herself as well. His dad passed away in 2001 of cardiac arrest whereas he experienced a nervous breakdown because of his parent’s loss of life. Except these, he also hosted Humor Central’s USO Humor Tour, Fox’s Good Day time Live and VH1’s Dashboard Dreams. Born and elevated as an American by nationality, he belongs to white ethnicity. Christopher offers certainly proved his performing potentiality through displaying his amazing comic performance in lots of tv shows. · With a elevation greater than 6 ft and 2 inches high, his last recorded bodyweight was 90 kg, which is ideal for his physicality. With a couple of his shirtless photos found in the press, he doesn’t appear to possess any tattoos on his body. Four years later on, Titus and Carden divorced without the impact of Television executives. Titus offers been wedded to his second wife, Rachel Bradley, since 2013. He in addition has performed in live occasions all over the world and offers produced a fame and fortune for himself. He once was married along with his wife Erin Carden, after dating her from 1988. Titus suffered from medication and alcohol misuse in his more youthful years until he fell right into a bonfire during a nights drinking and almost died. The unfortunate demise of his wife in 2006, remaining him and his two kids Jett (child) and Kennie (child) in disturbed mind-set, with their cherished one suddenly loss of life. Born with a Defect: It had been his seventh special humor. The two began dating since 2013, but there is absolutely no answer to if they will be engaged and getting married anytime quickly. He is most definitely not really gay, although there were rumors that suggest therefore. To access know him carefully on his profession and personal life, it is simple to read his biography that’s available in sites like IMDB and Wikipedia.


Known for movies

Quick Facts

Full NameChristopher Titus
Net Worth$300 Thousand
Date Of BirthOctober 1, 1964
Height1.88 m
ProfessionScreenwriter, Television producer, Comedian, Actor, Jacksonville, FL, United States, Irmo, SC, United States, Charlotte, NC, United States
NationalityAmerican
SpouseRachel Bradley, Erin Carden, Jacksonville, FL, United States, Irmo, SC, United States, Charlotte, NC, United States
ChildrenJett Evan Titus, Kennie Marie Titus, Jacksonville, FL, United States, Irmo, SC, United States, Charlotte, NC, United States
ParentsKen Titus, Juanita C. Titus, Jacksonville, FL, United States, Irmo, SC, United States, Charlotte, NC, United States
SiblingsShannon Titus, Dave Titus, Jacksonville, FL, United States, Irmo, SC, United States, Charlotte, NC, United States
Facebookhttp://www.facebook.com/therealchristophertitus
Twitterhttp://www.twitter.com/titusnation
NominationsWriters Guild of America Award for Television: Episodic Comedy
MoviesJacksonville, FL, United States, Irmo, SC, United States, Charlotte, NC, United States, Bad Parents, Remarkable Power, Scar, Special Unit, Deep Family Secrets, Crash Dive, Killer Klowns from Outer Space, Future Tense
TV ShowsJacksonville, FL, United States, Irmo, SC, United States, Charlotte, NC, United States, Pawnography, Big Shots, Beyond Belief: Fact or Fiction, Titus, Damon, Prey, Union Square, Jenny


Interesting Facts

#Fact
1 Is the oldest of three children - younger siblings Shannon and Dave.
2 Some of the things mentioned on the sitcom Titus (2000) about him are actually true. He has a sister (named Shannon) and he fell into a bonfire when he was a teenager.
3 In an interview (featured on the 6-disc DVD release of Titus (2000)'s first two seasons), he states that he preferred the cancellation of "Titus" because it pushed the envelope and not because it wasn't funny.
4 Welcomed second child, son Jett Evan, on 8 May 2004.
5 His TV series Titus (2000) was loosely based upon his own real life.
6 Welcomed first child, daughter Kennie Marie. The baby weighed 7 1/2lbs and was named after Chris's father. [August 2001]
7 His mother, Juanita, killed an abusive second husband in 1986 over a Thanksgiving dinner argument. She shot herself in 1994.
8 His father, Ken, was married three times and lived with two other women during Christopher's early years.


Trademarks

#Trademark
1 Poking fun at his dysfunctional childhood and family


Quotes

#Quote
1 Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear the day their parents kill. My mum killed a guy, at my wedding. So I can pretty much check that off. But, she's my mum. And no matter what she did I just can't walk away from her. She gave me birth. She gave me love. She gave me the ability to make a cigarette fire look like it was started by the hot water heater.
2 When you're born, you're pure. Unspoiled and trusting. I believed everything and everyone. Then, I met my parents!
3 My father, never chooses me for anything. Unless he needs a human shield. Thirty years and all I am to him is a hunk of meat to block buck shot. Told you dad needed me. Who's the best man now?
4 The closer you get to death, the more alive you feel. Dylan Thomas wrote, Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light. My dad always taught me to live like that. Dad wrote a poem too. It goes, Dune buggies. Woohoo!
5 When you're born, you're pure. Unspoiled and trusting. Some say, it's the only time we're perfect. You're also born covered in blood and placenta. No one gets nostalgic about that.
6 Being a teenager is the worst thirty years of your life. Peer pressure, acne, final exams, seven little tiny hairs on your upper lip. Luckily, the girls never noticed your infantile mustache, 'cos they were hypnotized by the fire engine sized zit on your forehead.
7 I have a dream. With that one sentence, Martin Luther King touched and empowered an entire nation. You know what else he did? He made everybody else without dreams feel real bad.
8 Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear that their parents are going to live forever. Showing up at your house at weird hours of the night, smelling all funny, with a bunch of their friends. Hey boy, this is Harold, Cecil and Dicky. Dicky lost his wife about a year ago. I hear Erin made cookies. Where can I put my shoes ? If that doesn't scare you, you're not human.
9 Your first leader is your dad. 'course he controls your food and shelter, so, he's not really a leader, he's more of a fascist dictator. But dictators have dreams too. Your dad doesn't. He gave them up when he had you. So remember that next time you say, I don't want to cut the lawn. Just shut up and mow the grass and save the lip for your teachers.
10 Being a teenager is the worst thirty years of your life. But it all changes after that. You get a great car, a great job. You got a wife, kids, you got your health. But then your company is sold out from under you, your stocks tank, your wife's sleeping with the gardener and your teenage daughter is pregnant. And you notice that you have a prostate so hard, you can actually take a hammer to it. But hey, not one zit.
11 If you're a racist, right now, in 2011... You just look like a retard, man.
12 I had a real job at fourteen years old. At seventeen, I was on my own. At twenty, I cut the liver out of a drifter and gave it to my father! 'Cause my dad's a drinker and I love my dad. And for eighty bucks, you can do anything in Mexico!
13 My parents' divorce settlement involved a bar tab.
14 So what if your custom car shop tanks and you've gotta take a crappy job at an auto parts store, dealing with ignorant, pushy people. I'm okay with that, 'cause I'm an ignorant, pushy people person.
15 They had a big court battle over who got to keep me. Mom won; she made me live with Dad.
16 By the way, six A.M.? Not a real great time for me; you know, I'm a comic. I get off work at two. Six A.M., I'm a little grumpy. Six A.M., I'm a little P.O.ed. Six A.M., I'm like a vampire with a paper route.
17 Of course, here's the weird part. After I fought my dad, all of a sudden we're buddies now. Like he's my friend now, we start hanging out. But we're still the same people. So we'd go out on Sunday, you know, and just be hanging out, then he'd, like, pick a guy, and we'd just go beat the crap out of that guy as a team. Memories, huh?
18 My mom had this innate ability. Whatever town my mother moved to, the second she walked into town, she would instantly attract the alpha loser of that town. This guy was not a good guy. This guy was half O.J. Simpson and half O.J. Simpson. Scott Peterson sprinkles on the top, a side of Robert Blake. You know, not a good guy.
19 If you ask my dad for help... he'll help. Like a vulture helps an over-run armadillo on a Texas highway. One peck at the time.
20 How come Mom is crazy and I'm not? Well, it's possible my mom could stand up in front of this many people and talk about all the crap in her life and those people could have sat around and laughed with her, it would've meant nothing and she could have moved on cool. It's also possible she could have taken out the whole front row with a large-caliber weapon.
21 In my family, goodness is just badness before its had something to drink.
22 I love being from a screwed up family. We have everything in my family: prescription drug abuse, mental illness, one of my uncles is a Mormon.
23 My dad's full of encouragement and support. It just feels like abandonment and neglect.
24 Dad is a new person. A person who has learned that forgiveness is better then revenge. Next year, we'll teach him that heart attacks are not like women. You just can't keep having them!
25 The Los Angeles Times reported that sixty-three percent of American families are now considered dysfunctional. Good. 'Cause that means when Armageddon really happens, thirty-seven percent of this population is going to lose their minds. Oh my God, the world is over! Us sixty-three percent? We're going to go, Hey... there's no one watching the Lexus dealership! We're going to the Apocalypse with leather and a CD changer! You guys have been great. Thank you.
26 And me having kids, with my family history? My mom: mentally ill, shot and killed her last husband. My father: six ex-wives, four heart attacks. Both of my parents think alcohol is a food group.
27 My mom shot and killed her last husband. Yeah, my dad used to say Hey, dodged that bullet. Ha ha.
28 The yearbook voted me most likely to be scraped off an onramp by a puking fireman.
29 There's two approved methods for getting a pedicure for a guy. Number one, you use your own grinder or... You have an eighteen year-old Vietnamese girl rub your feet and call you Joe and that's it!
30 Clint Eastwood doesn't moisturize! But Clint Eastwood needs to moisturize!
31 Valentine's Day is the day we celebrate real love. A love so strong that two hearts become one. And when she's happy, you're happy. And when she's angry, you can still choose to be happy, 'cos, what's her deal ? You know, I'm happy. Why is she bringing me down, you know ? Oh great, now look, I'm getting all mad. I hope she's happy. Happy Valentine's Day.
32 Everyone's a racist. It's the one thing that makes us all the same.
33 Everybody has hope for the perfect love. Normal people are raised to believe that there's someone out there who's your soulmate, your best friend, your lover. My dad always told me that when you find that person, You gotta nail her!
34 Valentine's Day is a day we celebrate real love. A love so strong that two hearts become one. Yeah, when you're happy, she's happy. And when you're angry, she's angry. And when you start wallowing in self-pity because your hotrod shop tanks and everybody's against you so you start drinking. And then she moves out and goes and lives with her parents, pfft. Or was that the day after Valentines Day? Doesn't matter. I'll go get another one just like her.
35 I swore I would never get involved in my dad's life. But then he started blowing it. So I had to get involved, you know, but he's my dad, I can't send him to his room or ground him or go to his first grade play and scream, Look at the fairy! I was a wood nymph.
36 The Times Square Incident wasn't a terrorist attack, it was a Jim Carrey movie. The terrorist locked the keys to the safe house he was going to escape to in the carbomb. And I love that he locked the carbomb. Nobody's getting my Ipod. Then he left the keys to carbomb hanging out of the tailgate of the carbomb, and built the carbomb out of fertilizer that wouldn't explode. I have been doing comedy for 25 years and I have never been that funny.
37 Texas is killing people in the 73rd trimester.
38 Fighting Dad's not a fight. Fighting dad is, Hi, you've just instigated your own mugging! Come on down!
39 If you want to do something dangerous... Don't tell your girlfriend!
40 The only way to tell my Dad something is to write it on a note, and tie it to a brick, and throw it through a window. Of course, now Dad's armed with a brick.
41 At the millennium we partied like it was 1999. And then we had a 10 year bathtub tequila hangover, man. Just hugging the metaphorical toilet on a daily basis.
42 Thomas Jefferson said, The tree of liberty must be fertilized from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. Yeah and I heard that and thought, I'm out!
43 This horrible decade where all of us men tried to be individual rebels... by wearing the exact same flaming skull on a bedazzled Ed Hardy thermal. I have three of them, I'm not laughing at you I'm laughing with you.
44 I got divorced from my wife on June 6, 2006. Yeah, 6-6-06, which coincidentally, was when my wife turned into a demon spawned from Satan's anus. But for legal reasons, I have to call her, Kate.
45 Haiti fell over? Who built Haiti? Two of the three little pigs?!
46 Why should I learn English? I'm never going to England. Shah, pffff, ur, doy.
47 It should be a law. Everybody should legally own a gun. In fact, if you're caught outside your house without your gun, you get a ticket. And you get shot in the leg. Just to prove my point.
48 Bad news has never been broken gently in my family. Because, breaking it gently takes a few extra seconds. And who's got that kinda time? Hey, we maybe failures, but we are very busy.
49 To be successful in life, there are many hurdles you have to get over. For me, the biggest hurdle to success has always been failure. But, growing up, my Dad was always positive... that I'd never amount to anything.
50 Does anyone ever shudder with the crap that you pulled off and didn't die?
51 I gave my father a heart attack. It was a practical joke. Come on, you push a guy's face in a cake he's got to clean it off. You hit a guy with a water balloon, he's got to dry off. Guy's in the hospital, you get his testicles shaved, he scratches and bleeds for a week... it's funny... you're not supposed to have a heart attack, it kills the joke.
52 My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer If I should die before I wake? I had sheets that said that!
53 In a crisis, my family puts aside all its petty differences and hatreds... Because a crisis, is a perfect opportunity to create new petty differences and hatreds! My dad's from that era when you lived to 50, your heart exploded and that was that. You know when you cook bacon and you pour the grease into the can? My dad's the can!
54 My dad's all I've ever had. When I was 3 and 4, my mom used to take me to bars. I understand why now - babysitters cost beer, beer and-a-half an hour.
55 Sometimes, to help the people you love, you've gotta commit a felony.
56 Benadryl - the seven-dollar babysitter.
57 Martha Stewart's a convicted felon and they gave her another television show. What's next, the Scott Peterson Fishing Hour?
58 Step up or step aside.
59 Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living. My dad said, Booty - mmm mmm.
60 If you want something bad enough, you've got to make a bold move. George Washington, took on the British Empire. Neil Armstrong walked on the moon. Ken Titus taped a hotel key to his underwear to score with an airport security guard.
61 You don't give out trophies for losing. Trophies for sucking. That's a communist idea. You don't get a trophy for losing. You get a piece of pizza and you shut up. Trophies for losing? What the hell happened to us?
62 Every weekend, I would get the drunk driving lecture. Of course, Dad drank and drove all the time. I guess it wasn't a lecture; it was helpful tips from the master.
63 And my daughter's too smart. She gets it watching TV. She gets it. She's five. She gets it. I... I have a smart kid; I don't want a smart kid. I'm gonna start feedin' her lead paint chips just to bring her down.
64 Ladies, if you're at the mall and you think your man is looking at other girls just remember: If your man is at the mall with you... he... loves you.
65 Anyone can have a relationship but if you're dating a woman who's so crazy in bed that if you aren't wearing your Kevlar one night you might never see daylight again... that's exciting.
66 We're ready for a real black President - someone like Jay-Z. Obama's fine, just not all black. He's our gateway Negro.
67 I have a dream! Because I have lived a nightmare.
68 Jealousy - the Auschwitz of emotions.
69 My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on... parole. And lithium.
70 We don't have home movies in my family. We have people's exhibit A.
71 My random acts of violence weren't random. They were premeditated.
72 Lady, if you laugh and you don't make a noise, you're a shaker, and it's freaking me out.
73 For me, the greatest hurdle to success has always been failure.
74 Psychiatrists are like mind hookers. Give them 200 dollars and they just screw with your head.
75 My dad also survived five divorces, and the women he married cleaned his ass out every time. I used to think my dad got divorced because he wanted new furniture. At one point in my life, all we had left was a wooden box, a 12 black-and-white TV, and a four-man rubber raft for a couch. And yet, I was the coolest kid in third grade. Mom, can we have a sleepover in Christopher Titus' house? They have a raft in the living room! We can row to breakfast in the morning. I can actually be Captain Crunch!
76 The most powerful person in your life is the one that knows all your secrets and all your lies.
77 We're looking for answers in a landfill instead of looking to people who bring the light.
78 Terrorists, oh I'm sorry, Fox News tells us it's all illegal immigration's fault but it's not their fault, it's ours.
79 The only thing that ever made me want to be a wife-beater is being called one. Your honor, can I have five minutes to make her not a liar, please?
80 Japan is the perfect example of make plans, and watch God laugh.
81 Consider Palin for President? The most powerful job on earth? You don't give the dumb cheerleader the Uzi. That's in the Bible.
82 And people get so weird about mental illness, you follow the rules! You don't up a heart patient on a roller coaster, you don't put a mental patient on a hunting trip with you!
83 Osama Bin Laden is dead? Oh my God, that was so easy! And it only took two trillion dollars, two wars and too many good men.
84 I'm the sort of loser who succeeds really well and then drops a turd in the punch bowl.
85 Pope John Paul didn't die - he pre-boarded.
86 I think our collective psychosis is hilarious. With the world moving as fast as it is, if we weren't dysfunctional, we couldn't function.
87 My dad don't like lies. He says it hurts people in the long race. He prefers the truth. That hurts them instantly.
88 We kinda hated sitcoms when we sat down and talked about this. We wanted to do something that was in the sitcom vain but totally different.
89 They call it torture when our guys put underwear on a guy's head, stripped him naked, put an egg between his buttcheeks and made him do jumping jacks. You know, if it can't get you into a fraternity at Chico State University, it's not torture.
90 Anyone look back at their high school career and just shudder at what you got away with and didn't die?
91 I have pictures of my daughter, in the hospital, at three seconds, six seconds, nine seconds, and then fifteen seconds, 'cause dumbass couldn't get the camera ready fast enough. Yeah, ha ha ha. She wrote that in the photo album.
92 Obama says he's bringing 10,000 troops home. The Republicans are calling it a failed jobs program.
93 I don't believe in right or left; I don't believe in Santa or Satan. I believe in things I can touch - like vodka and Oreos.
94 The towers fell, and the first thing that went through my head was my dad's voice: 'Well, you brought a new life into the world, and the world's over. Nice timing, numbnuts!
95 How do we help the church get their respect back? I have a plan: pedophile crucifixions.
96 The United States ranks 14th in the world in education. Even if we subtract Sarah Palin's test scores, it only bumps us to third. Damn you, Finland!
97 I don't tell people I'm white anymore - I'm albino-Cambodian.
98 The day I'm in England performing, English security let a man in a Batman suit climb Buckingham Palace. I felt so much safer... Batman was on the wall of Buckingham Palace for five hours. Wouldn't happen in America - three minutes: dead Batman.
99 At the end of the Peterson trial, my daughter turns to me and she goes, 'Daddy, are you going to kill Mommy?' 'Oh, honey - that's up to mommy, isn't it?
100 Participation trophies are the soul herpes of a generation.
101 Normal people, who grow up with compassion, never amount to anything. They're the ones who end up gluing those little dots on the highway. Or, putting glue on the dots for the guy who glues dots on the highway. Screwed up people, who weren't coddled or raised with compassion, we get stuff done. Sure, we feel a little alone and abandoned, but, we're... very... happy. Why can't you love me, daddy?
102 When you screw up, you got to pay the price. Shoot up a supermarket, you go to jail. Ride a motorcycle without a helmet, permanent brain damage and in California you're getting a ticket. Too chatty on a date with my dad, well, he'll push you in front of a cross town bus. Of course, you know, I'm speaking metaphorically. My dad will push you in front of any bus.
103 I bet a guy at a bar 50 bucks that I was more dysfunctional than he was. He raped me. So I tipped him. I'm very competitive.
104 Abortion is an atrocity. Those who practice or praise it are either damn idiots, misguided fools, or treacherous devils.
105 If you want something bad enough, you've got to make a bold move. Just make sure you clear the bold move with the people whose lives it's going to affect. Like George Washington, had to get all those guys who the British killed to agree to die. Neil Armstrong, had to crank a couple of elbows into Buzz Aldrin's face mask to make sure he got on the moon first. And Christopher Titus, well, he worked his dad for five grand. Ha ha. Who can't support who ? I know, it's complicated.
106 Satan called - he's changed the sheets, fluffed the pillows and laid out the complimentary chocolate. Hell is ready for John Edwards.
107 A black widow loves her mate then kills him. A praying mantis loves her mate then eats him. Women love my dad, but he's too big to eat.
108 I am a patriot, and I protest speed limits by exceeding them.
109 I can't stop some idiot from crashing into a building or blowing up a bus, I can only be your dad and give you a few pure truths. Number one, duct tape will save your life. Number two, Tupac is alive, but I need you to keep that on the DL because of Suge. And number three, don't be afraid of anything - except the television news because they're lying to you every night.
110 You know what, man? I am going to literally - if [Sarah Palin] gets elected President, I am going to hang out on the grassy knoll all the time, just loaded and ready - because you know what? It's for my country. It's for my country. If I got to sacrifice myself, it's for my country.
111 The normal make a living. The deranged make history.
112 Everybody I've ever met was destroyed by a member of the opposite sex early on and that damage you took into every relationship after that, everybody. Every woman in here got intimidated by a guy, pushed around too much, now you're new boyfriend tickles you a little too hard, boom restraining order. Every guy here had a woman sleep with his best friend, now your new girlfriend hugs your cousin a little long, boom car bomb.
113 Revenge is good. It's what separates us from the animals and the hippies.
114 A salamander can grow a new tail in three weeks. My dad can score new tail in three minutes.
115 Sometimes failure makes your future because you set the past on fire.
116 Passion, manners, and 80 ounces of beer will win the heart of any woman. And if it doesn't, you'll be too hammered to remember.
117 Hey! D'you guys hear Dr. Atkins died? Slipped on some ice, hit his head, died on life support. The man who invented the all-meat diet... died a vegetable. That's a damn good joke. But that joke's like a Toyota Camry - reliable, not inspiring.
118 Love. It's God's greatest gift. He fills our world with it and makes sure we grow up with caring, supportive parents. I'm just kidding. Pain is God's greatest gift. Pain is God's way of saying, Hurts, don't it ? Well, go ahead. Say, me dammit again.
119 Whenever you're pissed off, just remember that it's better than being pissed on.
120 After President Obama, President Rodriguez... What's the worse that can happen? The border problem gets solved and the White House lawn looks better?
121 My first car was a 1977 Oldsmobile Delta 88. Ugly car. More ugly on this car than a Rolling Stones group photo.
122 Screwed-up people settle fights through violence. Screwed-up people start wars that could kill millions. Normal people settle fights through cookies, cakes, and pies. Normal people are fat.
123 And one more thing I want to be clear about- I know who I am. I am just a very thin layer of charming with some funny sprinkles wrapped around a huge creamy center of raging arrogant a-hole. I got it.
124 I do not need help destroying my relationship. I was raised by my father. I've completed a thirty-year seminar on the power of destroying relationships.
125 Growing up, road trips with Dad were something I hated. Sitting still for hours, singing that stupid song, 100 bottles of beer on the wall. 100 bottles of beer... Dad, you know, keeping up with the song.
126 I lost 28 pounds in my divorce...because that's what a soul weighs.
127 There's one in every family. When the police calls in the middle of the night and says We've got a family members of yours under arrest and you know directly who it is. In my family we have seven of those... And they are all my Mom!
128 Lady Gaga is proof that David Bowie raped Carol Burnett!
129 My father never missed a drink in his life. Or a joint. Or a party. Or a chance to get laid. He also never missed a day of work, or a house payment, or a car payment. I never went hungry, although he did a couple of times so I wouldn't.
130 So it seems that because of every syndrome and disorder we've invented in the past twenty years, the Los Angeles Times reported that 63% of American families are now considered dysfunctional. My God! That means we're the majority. We're normal! It's the people who have the mommy, the daddy, the brother, the sister, the little white picket fence - those people are the freaks, man!
131 Normal people, want to be accepted. Screwed up people, want to be accepted. It's one of the few things we have in common. My whole life, all I ever wanted was my dad to pat me on the top of the head and go, Who's a good boy ? Who's a good boy? But, instead, all he ever did was wipe peanut butter on the end of my nose and laugh while I tried to lick it off.
132 Many massacres have happened when people yell surprise! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party. I was there, man! How many more people gotta die?
133 My dad invented road rage. He wasn't the first guy to get mad in the car, but he was first guy to get mad enough to make the paper.
134 My father? A hard drinking man from the 70's. We actually have no pictures of my dad where he is not holding a beer. Weddings, Funerals, Water Skiing, Parent-Teacher Conference. When I got sick around him as a kid growing up, he'd always warm me up a shot of 100 proof whiskey. Never got sick... that I can remember.
135 Here's the thing: If you're so far left you actually believe that somebody owes you a job, citizenship and a heart transplant, you're mentally ill. If you're so far right that you actually believe that somebody who doesn't have a job and is not a citizen deserves to have their heart cut out and sold on eBay, and you get to keep 80 percent of the profit - you're mentally ill.
136 You don't get a rebate at the end of your life for living with an idiot.
137 Everyone has an enemy. It's why God gave us baseball bats. Well, He gave us trees, but we knew what He meant.
138 Screw normal. You know why? 'Cause if you're normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you're deranged, the crowd will make you their leader.
139 There's a one in six billion chance you're gonna find your soul mate. But, maybe, your perfect soul mate is actually three or four half perfect people. How far are you willing to go to actually find that perfect somebody... ies. If you're not willing to make a group of people your soul mate then you'd better plan on being alone. You'll always have television.
140 I say we spend some money, clean up some junkies and make them all go work for the Red Cross. You ever give blood to the Red Cross? Little paper hatted trainee kid, just sticking you full of holes. Golly, jeez, this is way harder than the deep fryer, how does this work? You get an ex-junkie in there, bap-bap, he's gonna find a vein. You're in, you're out, you got sugar cookie and you're happy!
141 This country you're sitting in right now was not built on love, hugs, time-outs and trophies you didn't earn. This country was built on shame, humiliation and striving to be better. By the way, if you're in this room right now and you're successful... you didn't get there because someone loved you too much or gave you too many hugs or you got a trophy when you lost. You did it because at one point in your life, somebody turned to you and said you're a loser, and in that second, you decided to bust your ass to make them choke on that sentence... Or, your parents gave you the money.
142 I don't fail. I succeed at finding out what doesn't work.
143 Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee and die.
144 I think when you sit alone with your brain too much, your own brain starts to rebel against you.
145 Get off your ass and do something. All you need is the right inspiration. Anger has fueled me my entire life. It makes me feel good and... I'm okay with that. My fear is that my anger will one day make me so damned successful that I'll actually be happy. And then I'll just stop.
146 I believe life is about balance. My mom was brilliant, yet manipulative. Beautiful, but had more voices in her head than the Wu-Tang Clan. Loves her kids, killed her last husband. I say last husband because you don't get another one after that.
147 Normal people terrify me, because they haven't had enough problems in their life to know how to handle problems when they come up. Something little happens and they snap. But being from a dysfunctional family means nothing rattles me. Hey once you've driven a drunken father to moms' parole hearing, what else is there?
148 My dad got divorced six times. Well, he actually only got divorced five times. He wouldn't divorce the sixth one 'cause he said he didn't want people to think he couldn't commit. I don't want people not taking me serious. Dad, your last marriage was performed in Reno by an ordained lesbian Elvis impersonator. Who you hit on.
149 Oh yeah, I'm mentally screwed up for life. But I look good.
150 My mom was a manic depressive schizophrenic who, after a year in prison, went home and shot herself. My sister, Kirsten, an amazing poet, who was raised by this woman, and was dating a guy who broke up with her for the fourth time in three weeks. And one day, she came to his house, got a gun, and blew her brains out all over his headboard. I just went through a divorce, five years in court and cost me $2 million dollars. If anyone, by law, should be forced to take antidepressants it's me... But instead, I choose to be an antidepressant. And you can take me with alcohol.


Pictures

All Christopher Titus pictures

Nominated Awards

Nominated awards

YearAwardCeremonyNominationMovieAward shared with
2002 WGA Award (TV) Writers Guild of America, USA Episodic Comedy Titus (2000)
2000 OFTA Television Award Online Film & Television Association Best Actor in a New Comedy Series Titus (2000)


Filmography

Writer

TitleYearStatusCharacter
Special Unit 2016
Christopher Titus: The Angry Pursuit of Happiness 2015 TV Special documentary
Christopher Titus: Voice in My Head 2013 TV Special written by
Christopher Titus: Neverlution 2011 TV Special
Christopher Titus: Love Is Evol 2009 TV Special
5th Annual End of the World Tour 2007 TV Special documentary written by
Special Unit 2006 TV Movie
Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell Is Bleeding 2004 TV Special
Titus TV Series based upon the stage show "Norman Rockwell is Bleeding" by - 54 episodes, 2000 - 2002 creator - 54 episodes, 2000 - 2002 written by - 7 episodes, 2000 - 2002 writer - 1 episode, 2000
Born with a Defect TV Movie

Actor

TitleYearStatusCharacter
Special Unit 2016 Garrett Fowler
Finding Carter 2015 TV Series Detective Dougherty
Rizzoli & Isles 2015 TV Series Jerry Jankowski
The Exes 2015 TV Series Officer Burke
Bad Parents 2012 Nick
CSI: Miami 2011 TV Series Trevor Mason
Remarkable Power 2008 JP Zahn
Big Shots 2007-2008 TV Series Brody Johns
Scar 2007 Jeff
Special Unit 2006 TV Movie Garrett Fowler
Yes, Dear 2003 TV Series Brian
Future Tense 2003 TV Movie John Chase
The Twilight Zone 2002 TV Series Gabe O'Brien
Titus 2000-2002 TV Series Christopher Titus
Who's Watching Who? 2000 TV Movie Starring
Beyond Belief: Fact or Fiction 1998 TV Series Greg Hanson - The Farmer
Damon 1998 TV Series Murphy
Prey 1998 TV Series Marksman
Jenny 1998 TV Series Surf Guy
Union Square 1997 TV Series Guy
Deep Family Secrets 1997 TV Movie Cowboy 1
Crash Dive 1997 Video Dent
Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman 1996 TV Series State Trooper
Columbo 1989 TV Series Paramilitary Man #1
21 Jump Street 1989 TV Series Jack Archer
Killer Klowns from Outer Space 1988 Bob McReed (as Chris Titus)
Born with a Defect TV Movie

Producer

TitleYearStatusCharacter
Special Unit 2016 executive producer
Christopher Titus: The Angry Pursuit of Happiness 2015 TV Special documentary executive producer
Christopher Titus: Voice in My Head 2013 TV Special executive producer
Christopher Titus: Neverlution 2011 TV Special executive producer
Christopher Titus: Love Is Evol 2009 TV Special executive producer
Special Unit 2006 TV Movie executive producer
Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell Is Bleeding 2004 TV Special executive producer
Titus 2000-2002 TV Series executive producer - 54 episodes
Born with a Defect TV Movie executive producer

Music Department

TitleYearStatusCharacter
Titus 2000-2002 TV Series composer - 53 episodes

Composer

TitleYearStatusCharacter
Titus 2000-2001 TV Series 2 episodes

Director

TitleYearStatusCharacter
Special Unit 2016

Editor

TitleYearStatusCharacter
Christopher Titus: Voice in My Head 2013 TV Special

Soundtrack

TitleYearStatusCharacter
Titus 2000 TV Series performer - 1 episode

Thanks

TitleYearStatusCharacter
Hard Laughs 2005 Video documentary short special thanks

Self

TitleYearStatusCharacter
Christopher Titus: The Angry Pursuit of Happiness 2015 TV Special documentary Himself
Pawnography 2014-2015 TV Series Himself - Host
Gotham Comedy Live 2015 TV Series documentary Himself - Host
Unusually Thicke 2014 TV Series Himself
Good Day L.A. 2013-2014 TV Series Himself
Christopher Titus: Voice in My Head 2013 TV Special Himself
AM Northwest 2013 TV Series Himself
Hollywood Uncensored with Sam Rubin 2012 TV Series Himself - Comedian / Himself - Panelist
Christopher Titus: Neverlution 2011 TV Special Himself
Looking for Lenny 2011 Documentary Himself
Christopher Titus: Love Is Evol 2009 TV Special Himself
Be Funny 2008 Documentary Himself
A Holiday Celebration at Ford's Theatre 2007 TV Movie Himself
The View 2007 TV Series Himself
5th Annual End of the World Tour 2007 TV Special documentary Himself
Live at Gotham 2006 TV Series Himself - Host
Just for Laughs 2005 TV Series Himself
The Daily Buzz 2005 TV Series
Weekends at the DL 2005 TV Series Himself
Hard Laughs 2005 Video documentary short Himself
Rides 2004 TV Series documentary Himself
Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell Is Bleeding 2004 TV Special Himself
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno 2000-2003 TV Series Himself
Good Day Live 2003 TV Series Guest Co-Host
Four Fingers of the Dragon 2003 Short Himself
I Love the '80s 2002 TV Series documentary Himself
USO Comedy Tour 2002 TV Series Himself - Comedian
Howard Stern 2001 TV Series Himself
MADtv 2001 TV Series Himself - Special Guest
The 15th Annual American Comedy Awards 2001 Himself
Late Night with Conan O'Brien 2001 TV Series Himself
Turn Ben Stein On 2001 TV Series Himself
Pajama Party 2001 TV Series Himself
FOX Fall Preview Special 2000 TV Special
Premium Blend 1997 TV Series Himself - Stand-up Comedian
Source
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